Cycle News is a weekly magazine that covers all aspects of motorcycling including Supercross, Motocross and MotoGP as well as new motorcycles
Issue link: https://magazine.cyclenews.com/i/141048
. ~ ::0 ~ w 2 w ...J (J > (J by Galen B. Willardson th e p edal and lifted just in time to get My n ame is CZ . Or an yway that's m y all set up for the co m er . Laid it over 'til initial s. The wh ole title is umptee n th e bars were damn near dragging and something letters ' lo ng and h as so me still that pi ece of junk hopped over the vowel sou n ds n obody can say. S o call b erm like it was a downhill off-camb er." m e CZ. Every body d o es. I w as born a J ohn's Maico looked down at me and Czech , but I gre w up h er e in Southern I could tell he was sni ck erin", Cal iforn ia , m o stly o n race tracks. I lay th e re and groaned. Anybody , I w as sittin' in the garage where it anybody besides J oe Co~ workin ' the .w as cool an d d ark an d wha t I was d o in g th r o ttle an d I co uld b low that was w o rkin ' up o ne h e llu va m ad fo r J oe kraut-chornper into the w eeds. Co ol. T hat's th e fat-bellie d clubfoo t Fi nally Cool p icks m e up, but only w h at owns me : engine, frame, wheels so he's go t so mew he re t o pl ant his fa t an d soul. He's the reason I got a ru mp . H e ligh ts up a stinkin ' cigarette, month 's worth of grease and grime and sucks in a gu tful of smo ke a nd starts o ff dirt and bird crap splattered and caked on one of hi s hairy b ench -racing st ories. allover me. God, w hat a m otor-mouth. J oe l R obert, Up ' til five weeks ago I was owned on his best day, could n 't stay on the b y a top drawer motocrosser, Every same lap w ith Cool's fla p pi n ' mo u t h. Sunday, li ke today, we 'd be at I'd h eard th is o ne b efore, ab o ut th e Deadman's Poin t or Saddleback or the ti me h e rode th rough a nest of Dunes racing. We was good, too. Rode rattlesnakes an d one w ra p p ed itself Exper t. Bu t then Kelly got sponsored to Oh, it musr've b een a bou t six feet lon g go pro an d p u t me up for sale . Bothered - aroun d h is leg an d he w as ridin ' sixty; m e so me, ya know, but , h ell , it h ad to well , forty , but it felt li ke sixty a t least , h appen. I can't >r un p ro; close to two through greasewood and puckerbushe s ye ars o ld. tryin ~ to scrape th e th in g off before it Th o se young b ike campaignin ' the b it h im. He finish ed up th e st ory like he bi g circuit are pounds ligh ter than m e, d o es all of ' em with hi s famous, "H ot go t m ore cc 's , engines are sq uiffed to d amn, b o y s! T ha t was a cl os e one ." th e grills an d th e y're sportin ' all kinds T he n h e st ar ts in on me ag ain. of h ot tr ick st uff. Nope, an o ld veter an uFeIlas, " th e cru rn say s , "Y ou can ' t li ke me can't run with th e p ro s. Don 't be lieve what a p o or bike th is CZ is. really matte r. I'm plenty hap py in th e Reall y , it's amazing I rid e it as fast as I sports m a n 's class. An yway , this Joe Cool comes b y an d I kin tell by th e way h e lo o ks m e over, h e's a Novice. Hey, great! I th in k. Ge t b ack in the a ll-throttle-and-gu ts class. WFO fro m flag to flag or fall. Wh y, I'll learn ole J oe a few of the finer p oints of mo toc ro ss, a n d, at the sa me time , sweat off that extra weight h e 's carryin' around h is gut. Ge t him in good shape an d then h im an d me, we'll tea r up them n o vies. T here ain't n o th in' I lik e bette r th an a fast, muddy 'cross wh ere I kin get m y cookies knockin ' off Huskies an d th em J ohnn ie-come-la tel yYam ah as. O n ly it d idn ' t wo rk th at w ay. Cool ain' t dug up a n entry fee yet an d, the wa y it's turned o ut, that's d amn lu c ky fo r him, to o . If! eve r ge t th at yo-yo in a race , I'll bust b oth hi s le gs. Cool's no ra cer . He n , he a in ' t eve n a rid er. Tha t gre asy slob cou ld n ' t rid e a m oped with tr aining wheels. A n d th ere's no leamin ' him eith er , not even with a baseball bat. Before y ou ca n leam a guy , he 's go tta know h e n eeds to leam. That ain ' t C o ol. He ar him tell it, and Christ d oes h e tell it , he's the best damn rider ever pulled on leath ers. He co uld dus t o ff anybody if his bike wouldn't keep screw in' up. ~ Like day before yesterday out at the practic e track so m e of th e lo cals have set up . There was maybe ab out a dozen o f us out th ere a n d w e sorta go t bun ched up co min g outa the comer and do. It's got lousy suspension, worst I'v e it turn ed into a ra ce. Cool laid th e ever rode. The th ing ca n' t hold a line. hammer to me and I jumped o u t in Like coming down that straight b ack fro n t. th er e b efore it pitched me off, no wa y Hal fw ay d own th e straight th e idi o t to keep i t out o f the rough s tu ff. is st ill try in' t o figu re o u t which is his Engine's no good either. No bottom end left fo ot so's he can shift me o u ta at all, brakes are touchy as hell, whole seco n d. We got n ailed b y every bike on frame is designed wrong... " And on and t he t rac k, ev e n s ome ten or on and on. Jeez! I;)on't he ne ver sto p? ele ven -year-old kid m o t o red b y us ridin ' Well, hell n o, right now I ain't a stoc k H oda ka, and he's p oppin ' a runnin ' what you co ul d call real crisp, w heelie doin g it . Cool say s to h ell with but it ain't half the way he makes it out. sh iftin' to co ncentra te on j u st holdin ' There ain't a damn thing wrong with me th e throttle w ide open. Naturally th a t th a t ai n' t hi s faul t . The kind o f d on't leave h im enoug h brains to pi ck maintenance that slophead pulls, it 's a any kind o f line, so I'm b o uncin' m y ass bl eed in' miracle I run a t all. Like this in an d out of holes n ec k-deep to a tall sand I got in my throttle. It'll be there Indi an, turnin ' R s like: a road race r an d 'til my handlebars rot in half. ready to puke m y guts any secon d. My timing is way off, plugs were sh ot T h e n ext co mer eventually sp rin gs tw o weeks ago, Filtron's so dirty I can't up. Joe Co ol p an ics, n o t rememberin g suc k e no ugh air j ust sittin' here ; never th e: tum 'caus e he's only been around mind tryin' to run on the p ip e. My carb th e track e igh t hundred and six times. bolts a re lo ose. Dumbhead noticed th a t H e lo cks up my rear brake. I warn him. las t w eek but knowed he couldn't get to I let my b ac kend d rift out and dance 'e m with his fa vorite pliers so screw it, aro un d a little , a n d I even try to lay he says. Still runs, don't it ? over into th e b erm myself. Only leanin' Suddenly I hear the garage door bang like th at really goose s 01' hotshoe, Hi s open. Bright sunshin e and hot ai r boil in m ass ive re ar e n d bites into the scat . ar o u n d me. God, no. There he is. Super cu sh io n and he gr ab s the front brake Rider hisself all decked out in his racing and hauls in on it like it's the only thing duds. Le athers, helmet, kidney belt, can save him. We pull one of those je rs ey, seventy dollar boots , chest pad, slip -th u d-b o unce numbers, m e gettin ' a m outh guard, shoulder p ads, elbow throttle fu ll o f sand. pads, colored goggles and, G od love a The guys a ll t urned aroun d an d came ' crosser, b rand n ew Torsten Hallman b a ck. Co o lt s going th ro ugh th e glo ves. A rrg h! I'm gettin' sic k. Oughta t ough -man bit of limpin ' ar ound and b e a law against selling ge n uine grittin ' h is tee th .li ke h e ' s j us t unl o ad ed Hallman s to J oe Cool. a t a hundred plus in st ead of a t little H e struts ove r to me lik e h e's th e m ore than a fas t w alkin ' pace. n ew World GP champ a nd unscrews m y He d on 't give a Fig Ne w to n f or me . I gas ca p and sloshes gas/oil mix spiked kin lay in th e sa nd, hundred o c tan e e- with ru st an d sand into my tank and drippin' on to m y cases, sizzlin' and down m y sid es. He don't bother to wipe boilin', him pullin ' off his helmet and t h e spill o ff, just whangs th e . gas cap gloves and throwin ' th em at me. back on and strips the last two goo d "Damn lousy CZ. You "guys woulda 'th read s, making me Wish I could rip his n ever eaugh t me if tha junker hadn' t fin gern ails out by raking ' em across a locked in gear. I hlunin"rcd on th at chalkboard t o show him how it feels. A sh if te r , and nothin ' . Locked tight. Then re al p al , this schlep, gentle as a ri pe co m in g into the comer I just ouched the wrench. brakes and they locked up. It could've He drags me around and pushes me been really bad, but I got my toe under outa the garage into the driveway, juices my carb and cranks d own on th e sta r t lever not twenty feet from the neighbors. Hell , I can bust out w indows fired up th at cl o se. Besid es , I go t si x tankfuls of th is punk so I sq ueeze off th e juice goin ' t o m y p lu gs. Fatso ke eps on kic kin' , on ly b y about th e twentieth pump , th e pimples o n h is .red face are purple, swea t's runnin' fro m under his helme t lik e a monso on and in b etween huffs an d p u ffs h e' s cussin' m e, my re latives and the Czechs wh a t built us. Me , /'m figh tin' off a charley h o rse in m y kicks tarter but la ugh in' anyway. Best time I've had since this lard buc ke t b o ugh t me . Finally he rests a few m in u tes, sq uash in' m y seat with h is fat butt, then he tries a couple m o re half-assed p rods li ke h e's j ust sorta wish ing. Go t an im agin a ti o n 'like- a reta rd ed snail, th is klutz , so h e 's ru n outa new cuss words lo ng time ago. He p ushes m e back into th e garage, d ro ps his h elme t and the ne w Hallman s o n the concre te a n d p lough s aro und in th e greasy m e ss he ca lls a tool box. E u re ka! He ac tually finds the pl u g w re nch, unscr ews a pl u g and h olds it up to th e ligh t , starin' and sq uintin ' a n d uh -huhin ' a ro u n d a t it lik e h e knows what the hell h e 's lo okin' a t. Then, sudde n ly-li ke, h e 's freaked o ut; a light bulb o ver his p o inty h ead THE CZ REVOLTS , flashin' lik e in the comic books h e reads. Se en some savvy dudes a t th e sh o p do it. H e h o oks the plug to the co il wire and grounds it against m y cylin de r he ad , sq uats down b esid e me, hi s bi g, flat nose st uc k right up close so 's h e can see if it fir es, an d u ses a grub by hand to push me through. ' Now, see, from all that kickin ' o ut in th e drivewa y , I got a gallon of mi x loaded up in m y lower end an d a noth er half in the ign ition sy stem th a t D imwit ain 't th ough t of, o r p robab ly d on't eve n know abou t. My p ist on co mes u p , th e p o in t s break a n d I zapp a blue-h ot sp a rk d own' the lead to the o ther plug still scre we d in . my head. BABRRROOOM.\l !! Fire an d noise and smo ke exp lo ded o u ta the em p ty plug hole li ke it was a flame thrower. Cool dropped his last thre e cen ts w orth o f brains so mewhere in th e seat of his leathers, and goes scramblin ' backwards, arms and leg s thrashin' lik e h e's ab o u t to set a new Olympic re cord for the no-water backstroke. Didn"t m ake th e distance , though; he h ooked a b o ot h eel on the plug wrench laying wh ere he 'd dropped it, and sp raw le d flat , the wind going outa him in a bi g belch. But h e don't n otice ca use he's p oundin ' and claw in' a t th e Fu Man chu across his rubb e ry t op lip , singe d h alf o ff o n th e ri ght side . This tim e I'm in h y st eric s. T he slob 's got m ore slapstic k tal ent than th e T h ree Stooges. Cool's up n ow , rubb in' h is fat rear end and feelin g a t the burn t Fu Man chu, legs wobbly as a drun k cockroach. " Yo u dirty com m ie! " h e sc reams an d k icks a t m e. I t rie d to ta ke it o n the tire but h e got p ast me and I ge t a h ot flash o f pain as so m e spokes bust and others be nd. No time to d o an ything. I'm scraping along the bench, gonna fal l. Wait ! A ch an ce ! I st re tc h hard, reach in g ; just a little mo re . Got it! I crash to the floor, my handlebar hooked into the tool box, pullin' it down with me . Hammer, p ip e wrenches, vic e grip s. ten-in-one-for-ninetvnin e- cen ts screwd rive rs and twelve pairs o f me t ric -sized pli ers scatte r ac ross the garage, clangi n' an d b ouncin' on the ce ment. Co ol kn ots his fists an d h oll ers lik e a skin ny p ig gettin ' ravishe d by a freaked-out, n in e-fo o t gorilla. H e scoo ps up a b all p een h amme r. "D irty, stinkin ', lousy . wo r th less CZ ...: ' He throws the hammer with two hu ndre d pounds of blubber beh in d it . Time only to pull in tigh t and pucker m y stinger. T he ham me r slams into the concrete four feet away, then b o un ces an d p lows into my gas tank, hurtin' lik e n o center-p un ch o n the track ever d id . ricochets off an d sm as hes into a she lf fu ll of junk under the bench . A gallon can flies out on the floor, lid spanging off, an d thick, green paint pours out. The gash in my tank is damn near doubli n ' me u p b ut I'm laughin ' anyway. T hem H a llm an s ain 't gon na be n ew agai n . b ut th e helme t, wow! G anna look w ild whe n the st uff d ries, so rta vo mittvgreen ove r w hite in psy ch edeli c sp lashes. Co ol's face is go ing fro m re d to purpl e an d h e' s t ry in' t o sc re am bu t ain 't n othin ' co rnin ' ou t but spi t ; swa llowed hi s tongue, m aybe. I'm cho k ing, too. La u ghin ' so hard my oil's foa min '. "@&* %t, etc.!" Cool finally ye lls, draggin ' h is tongue outa h is gut. He w ad es th rou gh th e paint, ki c kin ' t ool s away 'til h e finds th e p lu g wrenc h, the n ham mers d own h ard on it screwin ' the plug in . T h e wren ch w happs off the wall where h e th ro ws it and he jerks me up. "You'Il start, you damn junker. By God, yo u're gonna start and th en I'm gon na take you out and run you over the b iggest damn cliff I can find an d t he n I'm go nna bury y o u , you m othe rfr eeping..... Like Dumbo the E lep hant d an dn ' the frug, h e leap s up an d comes h eavin g d own on th e kic kst arte r. I roll throug h easy , then at th e bo tto m of the swi ng I fi re agai ns t m y sel f h ard enoug h to damn near rip the p ri maries rig ht outa my cases . T he k ic ks tar te r sla ms agai ns t the bottom o f hi s foo t lik e a Maico 5 0 1 pi st on on th e p ower stroke . C o ol fall s and sc reams, h umping around o n the flo or lik e th e poor pi g ge ttin ' a second go 'round from th e se x-c razy ape. Soon's his wails di e d own to sm all yow ls, h e hobbles into the h ouse, moanin ' a n d bi t chin ' and threatenin' my life through clenched teeth . I was alone again , but mad and hurtin' like a ninety mile an h our he ader. My tank 's ca ved in a n d gouged all to hell. Primaries ar e screa min ' for a m edic , wheel's all busted up, he ad's throbbin' with a migraine like ain't nobody eve r h ad and, damn, I ain't a n ickel's worth b e t ter off. Worse, likely. I 'm still ca ke d over wi th the same grease an d d irt, sti ll so sc rewed up I pr ob abl y c o u l d n 't blow off a ten-year-old All state. A n d , h ell, Cool ain ' t n e ver go nna c hange n o m a tter wh at I do, 'cep t n ow h e wants to kill me . I lai d th er e , kn owin g there w asn ' t nothin ' more I co u ld d o, just .. ai ti n '. w For what I d idn 't kno w. T h en h e was b ack, limping li ke a one-legged Po la k. H e'd changed o u ta hi s GP uniform. He p eg-le gged it ri ght on b y m e, wen t an d got in hi s pi ckup and sm oked th e tires b ac kin g it into th e drivew ay . Then he limped b ack to me an d h eav e-h o ed m e up in t o the truck bed and let me fal l. I decided right th en th at if h e was go nna haul m e o u t to that cliff , I w as d amn ed sure go nna try to drag him o ve r w it h m e. "Y o u co m mie p ile of pig-iron, s crewed up p ie ce of n o-go od, worthless... " H e'd run o u t o f cuss words again . "I 'm trading yo u off," he fin ally finished up. My piston did two flip-flops and d eep in side me, myoId Cze choslovaki an he art sang. S o n ow, ri ght n ow, I'm sittin ' in the d ealer's sho wroom . I'm clean a nd sh iny , all se rviced and tuned and fix ed up. I feel gr ea t! Really cris p! An y time n ow so me yo ung Novic e j us t ac hi n' to b e a 'crosser is go n na w al k in h ere and buy m e. He'll b e one of th e good on es, willing to wo rk and leam and h e'll know h ow to t rea t a fi ne pie ce o f comp e titio n m achinery . Me an d him will make a gr eat te am. I ain" t worried ab out ge ttin ' stuc k with a n o ther Joe Cool. . I know n ow wht them losers look and soond and ;oct' lik e, And the first one what walks in here and wants to try me o1lt is gonna 8"t his foot rammed clear to h is hip. I might even break it off for him. Har har!