Cycle News - Archive Issues - 1990's

DNF BYM KH R AR OYE A lthough this column is about a truck , a hammer , and my head - no t a motorcycle to be foun d - the main theme is stupidity, which is universal. "W ha t's the Ban dAid for?" "I hit myself in the head with a hammer ." "Dh, it bounced back ..." "No, I did it w ith the right end." There is no ro mance to th is story . There is so me amazeme nt, as you might imagine. It is a dram a of semiconsciousness, confusion, s tupor, bl ood , emergency and embarrass ment. It begins on a balmy summer af ternoon on the mountain-bike trail , hammering - if you' ll excuse the chea p joke through th e trees, rocks and rivers. A good rid e, it left me tired . This tru ck I' ve go t, it's old , but still the new est four-wheel th in g I've eve r owned . Th ere a re ce r tai n th in gs th a t come up in a ma n 's life th a t must be do ne . Buying a blue 1986 Toyota pickup with 306,000 miles on it for $500 is one of them - especially wh en it comes with wo rking A /C, a ster eo casse tte player, new tires and can haul bikes and motorcycles . So wh a t if th e fro n t end is smashed , making the hood a bit hard to close, o r th at th e vin yl in te rio r (blu e, natu rally) has no stuffi ng left. The closest thing to lumbar support is the steel rail th at spa ns th e sea t itself, ca usin g more tha n one exceedingly cleve r frien d to ask me if it was "lu mber" su pport. Yes, it is so me thing yo u must bu y, but you needn' t have any pri de in o w riing it - $500 d oesn ' t buy a lot of prid e. The inclination to wash it is notab ly absent . O ne mu s t, h ow ev er, see. The win dshie ld has been sand -blas ted good ' and plenty over its man y-rniled life, so it is of particul ar impor tan ce to kee p the glass 'clean. As any conscien tious, lazy man wou ld d o, I keep th e windshield was he r bottle topped u p and read y to go for the first sigh t of film , w hich after m y d ra in in g mou n tain-b ike ri d e was piling up quickly, and was mor e noticeable wi th the ho t, setting su n burning at my fron t for the drive hom e. But there was no wa sher fluid, leading to a minor frustration and armoyance, compounded by semi-exhaustion and heavy traffic. . That was the first step d own in to the depths of aggression - the first blow, if you will . . In the auto parts sto re, the gallo n-size washer flui d bottles lav on the bottom shelf. I sq uat to have look, tryin g to find th e best reci pe, th e one that will leave the tw o wi de arcs on m y windscreen th e clearest, th e most bu g-free . After deliber ation , an d hig hly scien tific co lo r co m pa r isons , I choose pin k , because it has polymer s. I step up deci sive ly, ta ke two s te ps to w a rd th e co u nter, a nd every thi ng in m y world tu rn s p ale, th en white, and m y vis io n qu ickly turns to an ever-shr inking circle. Lun ging forwa rd, keeping focus on the pink bottle, I throw my last strengt h in to swi nging it u p onto the counter, away from my body, hoping its momentum will p ull me back from the brink of unconsciou sness. It works, but the counterboy is disturbed. "You okay, dude? Dude?" "Yeah." Fur ther fru strated , I blam ed the truc k for ne arl y kn ockin g me ou t. I've been told over and over on TV that shopping is su p posed to be co nven ie nt. Unconsciousness in not convenient. On ce home, I'm feeling like conserving as mu ch e ne rgy as poss ib le, so I d ecid e I' ll fill th e washe r righ t then, leavin g so me of the heavy gallo n of liquid in the tru ck, so I d on 't have to carry it all the wa y to the ga rage . Seemed sma rt. Hood up, I pour. The bottl e is indeed lighter. But w he n I go to close the hood, the smashed front end just isn 't coo per-, ating thi s tim e, and slam aft er slam it teases me by holding the hood down as a if it were actually latched , then releasing just when I thin k I've finally won. Tha t was blow number two . In a fit of anger - "I'm gonna fix it once and for all" - I storm to the garage in search of a hammer, to pound out the dent and fix the latch - and fix it good . Holding the hood open with one hand , I start poun ding on the inside of th e hood , rig ht at the edge, near the hook for the latch where the da mage is worst. Anger-d riven, my progress is go od . Afte r one fina l look , I decide I need one mo re b ig w hack and th e edge w ill be nearly straight. Throwing my shoulder in it and w hipping my bod y back for the u ltimate in power, I heave with all the might my 200 pou nds can channel into the 16-ounce claw hammer. It was sud denly qu iet. I was reeling backward , a faint "O migo d" came from th e neighbors - s itti ng on their fro nt porch, watching me pou nd away in the "fternoon sun. Then, "I hit myself in the head w ith a hammer ," a nd " Yo u a- -----! " from myself. . It wa s a solid w hack with the rig ht end of the hammer - abo ut as hard as I co u ld swi ng - squa re b etw een the brows. That was blow number thr ee. My vision tu nne led for a moment, but it had n't been hard eno ugh to kn ock me ou t. It was hard eno ug h, however, to ma ke me thin k I could get righ t back to work on the hood - it st ill need ed tha t last w hack. As I sauntered like a d ru nk on pay day back toward the truck, ham mer still in ha nd , my girlfriend saw me and s tar te d screa m ing . With all th e "Gods" being' thrown around, I was surp rised H e d id n't ma ke a pe rso nal appeara nce (with "Jesus Christ" in tow, naturally...). I real iz ed somet h ing was w ro ng whe n the blood came . I gave up on the truck. Being a man , however, I d ecid ed to ge t cleaned up and have d inner befor e we went to the eme rgency room. I really didn' t want to explain thi s to anyone, but I kept catching myself going soft focus - "zoning," if y o u will - and thought that maybe I might do well to ge t che cked out by th e pros, sooner rather than later. I'd already hit up the Band-Aid box and s lapped a couple three of those on the half-moan-shaped, oozing opening in my forehead, bu t, as they say, a mind is a terrible thing to deface. "What happened? " a sk ed the ER nurse in the reception area. "I go t hit in the head with a hamme r," I said, choosing my words skillfu lly so I wo uldn't h a v e to exp lai n. ("No t ba d fo r a guy with dai n b ra rnage, " I thought to myself.) -os. my God," she exclaime d . "Was it an assa ult?" ' Th e Big Guy s till di dn't show, so I had to exp lain . "No, not reall y. Not unless I rea lly hate me." I explained , and s h e really d id n't hid e her mirth very w ell. N either did the nurse who d id the init ial exam. Neither did the doctor who sewed me up. "Doc, d o yo u have any thing for my ego? " But more costly even than the embarrassm ent of the tellin g the peo ple in the ER what happened was the fact that my time w it h them cost me abou t $800 eno ugh to buy the tru ck again and hat..e mOlleyleft over to fix tile[rout end. Th ey say the lo nger yo u are with you r ma te, the mo re yo u a re go ing to look like him / her. I've onlv bee n with the truck for abou t six months now, but with m y new sca r, we' re beg inni ng to look a little too much alike for my taste. At this poin t you migh t be thinking, "You need to think about making someth ing up - so mething better than that story." Wha t makes you think I was telling yo u what really happened ...? c\ LOOKING BACK... 30 Y AR E SAGO ... D ECEMBE R12, 1968 dolf Weil (Mail was the man to beat a t the second Western round of the Inter -Am Motocross Series, w hich was held in Westl ak e Villa ge, Californi a. Weil w on th e 500cc Int ernati on al clas s, w hile Joel Robert (CZ) won the 250cc Int ernation al class. Interestingly eno ug h, Robert also took the opportunity to park his CZ for a Sachs 125, 'a nd he claimed the 125cc Senio r wi n aboard th e mac hi ne. Th e even t was the head line piece in an issue that boasted 23 pages (! )... BSA look ou t a full-page ad congra tula ting Bob Ewing an d Mike Kon le for placing third in the Baja 1000. We don ' t kno w for sure, but we' re guessing that that's as good as it eve r got for the old "Victim" ... Dale Hopkins (Suz) dom inat ed the 100cc class at the Tro jan Speedway TT in Sou th Gat e, Ca liforn ia ... Bob G rossi won the Open Expert : class at the Ridgerunners MC mot ocross in Santa Cruz, California... A 2 EAR O 0Y SAG .., NOVEMBER 29,1978 'M ike Hannon (Yam) e d ou t Don Sanford (Han) dge for the wi n in the Buckhorn National Enduro in Oak Run, California, whil e Drew Smith (Suz) won th e Wheeler Nationa l End uro in Mo unds, Oklahoma... We took a ride on the 1979 Suzuki DR370, proclaiming it "a step in the right dir ection" towa rd a lightweight, bigbore four-s troke dirt bike... No t long after our interview with o ld AMA Pro Racing commi ssi one r D o ug Mockett, w e go t to give yo u an interview with new AMA Pro Racing com issioner Mike DiPrele... We ran a photo feature of the AMA profes sional awards banqu et... In part two of ou r two-part series on the works and p roduction ver sions of the open- class Suzu k i, we turned our attention tow ard the p re-prod uction ve rsi on of the 79 Suzuki RM400, which wa s being flogged on the Japanese Na tional MX circu it by Ko ji Matsuda. 10 Y EARSAGO••, OVEMBER 23, 1988 N u r cover for th e 1988 edition forewa rned th at "Twas the seaso n to be spend ing" once again ... "In the Wind " brou gh t news of the u nobtaniurn Yam ah a FZR750R, wh ich was a street-legal ve rsio n of Yam ah a ' s YZ F750 su pe r bike . According to the rele ase, yo u could ge t one - if you lived somewhere othe r than the United States... Human Race Team riders Kurt H a ll and An dy Fenwick won the final roun d of th e WERA Nat iona l Endurance Series at Road Atlanta... David Sadowski, Scott Ru s s e ll a n d D ou g Polen won the 600, 750 and 1100ccSuzuki Cup ev ents, respectively... Ty Da vis (Su z) sailed I to the win at the Barstow Grand Prix... Jeff Russe ll (Yam) picked the overall w in a t the final ro und of the AMA Nationa l Endu ro Series in Morri son , Illinois... Ron Turner (Han) wo n five ou t of six mot os a nd scored thr ee class wins at the 15th annual CMC Ascot Nig ht MX Nationals in Garde na, California... We tested the 1989 Yamaha YZ250W .~ and came away very impressed . O 00 0\ 0\ ,..... l!")' N ... IlJ ..0 E IlJ >o z Scott Russell (22) leads Dale Quarterley (32) at the final round of the 1989 AMA National road race series, held at Heartland Park Topeka in Kansas. 59

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