Cycle News - Archive Issues - 1990's

CHICANERY BYRENNY RAY ABRAMS T he call from the bossman comes in late on a laiy Friday afternoon, the beginning of the Easter /Passover weekend, a time when no one wants to work, especially me, but he wants to work even less and he's the bossman, so my weekend's shot - not that he's going to let it affect his suntan, pu tting stroke, or doggy paddle. "Can you come up with a column by Monday? If I read one more column comparing Supercross to NASCAR I'm going to puke in my snorkel." "If you do, make sure you get a picture," I asked. His instructions were succinct: "Write about almost anything. Listen, you took a run at all the teams except Kawasaki in your last one. Now it's their turn." "Any ideas, Chester?" "I don't know, I'm going on vacation. I don't want to think about it. That's why I called you, remember? How about. .. how about a column on Muzzy's lUustache?" "Let me get this straight You want 1300 words on Rob Muzzy's mustache by Monday? Now, you may think it's silly, but it's really not that silly to have a mustache wide enol1gh for a flock of sea gulls to perch on. Sure I'll write it, but before you go, one more thing: You . might want to start cleaning out your desk. It'll save you time on Tuesday." Note to readers: l.don't know how long this is going to be, but you can tell a lot abou t the writer by the bottom of this page. If the "Looking Back" section runs tlte covers of the flashback issues, like the one you'll see next year at Daytona, the 13 Years Ago shback - the one that'll say, "Fresh from coming the first rider in history to win the 50" and 500" World Championships, Freddie Spencer gets his year off to a really, really crummy start when he gets dorked by Can) Andrews in the 1986 Daytona 200" it means the guy who wrote the column came up short and they needed to fill the space with copies of the covers. I'm guessing there will be four or five covers at the bottom of this one. I have two choices: I can either await inspiration from my Muse or practice the time-honored art of environmental writing, recycling old crap from the past. Sounds like Plan B. If you're going for the minimalist approach - least thought, most response - you can't go wrong with Harley. Until this year, that is. The way Pascal Picotte rode at Daytona should go a long way toward silencing the critics. Granted, he didn't finish, but it was faulty pit work that stopped him, not mechanical mediocrity. For the rest of the AMA calendar, he wOn't have to worry about pit stops; at least he shouldn't. In any case, for once my angle was less racing-specific, more general. What made me think about Harley was a joke I recently e-mailed to a friend living in Tokyo who, because of the usurious rates for pal/ts and labor, is the proud owner of an H-D Fat Girl (that's a Fat Boy without a rod). He said he'd heard the joke a thousand times. It was new to me. Here it is: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? The location of the dirt bag. It was told to me by an Australian of jlist slightly less than average height. The editor of this newspaper is an Australian of just slightly less than average height. (Editor's note: It wasn't me. Honest, Mr. Schiebe, you gotta believe me, it wasn't me. I swear. I love Harll!1). The thing I most look forward to hearing in life is... let me start over: The thing I most look forward to hearing is my son's name in the San Diego Padres starting lineup on Opening Day, 2016. The second-greatest pleasure I would get would be hearing a priest ask our daughter if she "would take Skull - just Skull, no last name - to be her lawful wedded husband, ir, sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until he violates his parole...") That got me to thinking that there must be more humor out there just waiting to be mined. So here's the deal: Send in your favorite motorcycle-related joke to the editor. It'll save him the trouble of . calling me again next Friday, and it will also provide limitless mirth to your many fellow readers. The winner will probably get somethi~g. One caveat: You cannot just stick a motorcyclist in some lame old joke you heard years ago. If the joke begins, "A priest, a Brahman, and a rabbi on a V-Max are stuck in a lifeboat," it'll get tossed. No way a life raft could hold a V-Max. . My original idea when the bossman called me was this: Ea ting dinner in Japan is expensive, unless you eat with Jo~ Kocinski; then it's really expensive. It was the Thursday night of the season-opening Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka, when Michael Scott, Motocourse editor and Cycle News GP correspondent, and I spotted JK talking to fellow 250cc World Champion Max Biaggi a few tables away. "You know," I warned Mike, "if we get his attention, he's ours for good." Sure enough, within minutes he'd settled in for the night. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. What journalists crave most in the never-ending quest for truth, accuracy, and service to the reader, is information - scads of information, nothing too trivial. Actually, that's a lie. What we crave most is free crap: T-shirts, hats, belt buckles, key fobs, lighters, stickers... nothing's too insignificant. Note to OEMs: An embroid'ered letterman's. jacket will go a long way toward masking the handling deficiencies of your latest wobbler. But you knew that. An old news photographer friend in New York City made a name for himself as a press-. conference whore. "I'll take one of those. What is it?" So the second-most-important asset to a journalist is being able to ba the in the fountain of knowledge, experience and wisdom that the best riders possess. . Which means that,. even though we might end up paying -out the blind spot, we would be enlightened. For instance, did you know that JK hates th~ individual faucets that are common in Europe? Can't stand 'em. Must have mixer faucets. And he owns nothing. He did say that" he wants to finish his career in the United States. Surely inside information like that is worth something. When it came time to pay, I suggest- ed we split it three ways. But JK decided it'd be easier if we each paid our own. So we go to the cashier, he forages through the seven or eight slips of paper that the incredibly efficient waitstaff generated from our modest meal and spots most of what's his - most, not all pays it, says his good-nights and splits. Mike and I split the rest. For a bowl of lasagna the size of a knee puck, two Cokes and a small green salad, rend up paying forty bucks. Even in Japan that's hard to do. And Mike's was worse. We weren't sure what JK forgot to pay for. Might have been the chunks of Parmesan, might have been the breadsticks. Who knows? I'm sure he didn't meal) to stiff us. But what I got out. of it was this: It helped me understand his race performance that Sunday. I'm sure he didn't mean to jump the start and get a stop-and-go penalty. And I'm sure that he didn't mean to speed dow!) the pit lane when he came in to serve his penalty, incurring a second penalty. Just an oversight. So it was a small price to pay. What I don't want to do is give the . impression that all World Champions are given to sucl) oversight. At Daytona this year I had the pleasure of having dinner with Kenny Roberts; his lovely girlfriend, Rita; the CN editor; and the editor's dad, Kel Carruthers, the man responsible for nearly all of the King's successes, who now works his magic at Chaparral Yamaha. After a wonderful meal at a rib joint in Ormond Beach, the King gladly picked up the tab. "I may not have much money left, but I've got enough to buy you dinner," he told Kel after enlightening us with an inventory of the shortcomings of the Modenas KR3 and how they'd be resolved. (Money -lots of it.) I thought it was a very generous gesture. But, as any of his friends will tell you, if you've got to listen to two hours of KR's crap, you ought to get something out of it. (~ LOOKING BACK~"I 30 YEARS AGO... MAY 9, 1968 . his was our special "Show Guid~ Issue," pressed . m antiCIpation of the upcommg fifth annual Cycle World Motorcycle and Custom Car Show at the Los Angeles Sports Arena ... An item in the "Legislative Notebook" section of the paper discussed the California State Assembly's meeting with the Hell's Angels and the United Motorcycle Enthusiasts, as the latter two groups made their case against mandatory helmet laws... The femal~ model was en vogue in motorcycle advertising. Both BSA and Suzuki featured them in ad campaigns ... The Bonanza Hare & Hound north of Reno, Nevada, drew 235 riders ... Despite having his left arm in cast, little Mike Kidd smoked the big boys at round two of the Texas Road Racing ciT,cuit's events, in San Angelo... Both Daytona 200 winner Cal Rayborn and his timer Len Andres were interviewed... We ran a feature on the Trailblazers dinner, an annual function tha t con tinues to this day. T a 20 YEARS AGO", APRIL 26, 1978 10 YEARS AGO... APRIL 20, 1988 eam Yamaha dominated again at round two of the he American boys did their home country proud AMA/Mr. Pibb 125/250cc National Championship during the U.S. GP at Laguna Seca Raceway. Series. Bob Hannah and Broc Eddie Lawson (Yam) won the 500cc class, and Glover were unstoppable, grabrt;~?J;;-7i1n?,~=_Jimmy Filice (Hon) won his first-ever GP when he bing the overall victories in the topped the 250cc class ... The team of Danny 250cc and 125cc classes for the --11-401;..1 LaPorte and Randy Morales (Kaw) was credi~ed second event in a row ... Larry I":-""t-=..:..:+-::.::~ with the overall win at the SCORE Great Mojave Roeseler and Jack Johnson 250 after the team of teamed up. and ,piloted their Dan Smith and Husqvarna 390 to the overall Garth Sweetland win at the Las Vegas 400... Gary (Hus) was disqualiFisher was interviewed, the forfied for a coursemer dirt track and factory road cutting infraction ... racing pilot attempting to make Ricky Johnson a comeback to Superbike rac(Hon) swept both ing with Team Yoshimura mains of ·the after sitting out the entire 1977 AMA/Coors Superseason... After finishing seccross Series doubleond to Kenny Roberts at header in the PonDaytona three weeks before, Johnny Cecotto tiac Silverdome ... (Yam) won the Imola 200 F-750 World Championship We tested the conSeries race in Italy... We tested Turbo Cycle Corporastantly evolving tion's Kawasaki ZR-l TC. The puffed 1000cc machine Kawasaki screamed through the quarter mile in under 11 secKDX200 ... Jean-Michel onds... We profiled Debbie Evans, the first woman to Bayle (Hon) swept the Italian GP opener for hold an Expert classification in observed trials. the World Championship 125cc Motocross Series. fN T T ..... l-o < 79

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