Cycle News - Archive Issues - 1990's

·C IC E Y:·· ' H AN R :'·:-.ByHennyRay Abrams prin g is we ll upon us and with it comes the annual ritual of dewinterizing you r motorcycle. For most people that means cleaning the spider colonies ou t of the carb inlets, soakin g the chain in a wi n ter's worth o f bacon grea se, and using a magic marker to hide the fabric spots in the tires. Oh sure, it seems like a ton of fun , but for me, this yea r wo u ld be different. I'd jus t gotten my contributor's check from Cycle N ews and had $18,000 buming a ho le in my pocket. So I went down to my local dealer, "Psyclepaths of Flatbush," to buy the ma chine I th ought would make me the next Carl Fogarty (but w ithout the broken wrist, funn y accen t, and gap in my front teeth); the machine that has owned the AMA Superb ike series this year, the venerable, but ultimately elusive, Duca ti 955. Entering the dealership, the fir s t thing I noticed was that the shop owner looked like he hadn't slept since the last time a Honda won an AMA Superbike race and that his hands were shaking too violently to shave, giving him the ou tward appearance of an Amish junkie. He was wearing the "I Survived Bike Week '94" T-sh irt which he'd put on at Daytona and had yet to remove. "H ow ya doing?" I asked innocently. " Aces, dude, aces. I haven't slept since the last time a Honda won an AMA Superbike rac e, I'm shaking too violently to shave a n d I look like an Amish junkie. I've been wearing thisTshirt since Daytona, and today for lun ch I sucked on one of the ketchup stains on this shirt. Other than that it's a day at the beach," he replied . "Well, I think I'm about to brighten your day considerably," I said, my voice fill e d with hope . " I'd like to buy a mo torcycle and I won't take no for an answer." S . The news brought enough color to his face to cause venal eruption in his distended nose and he nearly knocked over his PeptoBismol and Prozac cocktail Thenhe issued the salesman 's credo: '1£ we don't have it, you don't need it" "I would like a Ducati 955," I said, fanning a stack of $1000 bills acros s the counter. " You don't n eed it , " he said , hi s mood suddenl y taking a darker tum . It was as if he was about to ask me if I was a playing card. "What are you, some kind of joker?" he asked, telepathically. "Did that son of a bitch Rob Muzzy send you? I know he sen t you. Eve r since Phoenix it's been like this every da y. I mus t ha ve ha d 43 people come through here. U I eve r get ahold of him, I'll grab him by the moustache and rip his lips off: ' "Who's Rob Muzzy and what don't you like about his lips?" I asked . "It doesn't exis t," th e sh op o wn er said. "The Ducati 955 does not exist: ' "Sure it does," I sai d, pointing to a back issue of Cycle News (which he was using as a placemat) with th at exact mod el on the cove r and a h eadline which re ad "Believe it or Not, They Held a Race in a Stinkin' Parking Lot and This Guy Won the Part They Were Able to Finish Before the Starter Tore his Rotator Cuff from Waving the Red Flag so Friggin' Much." "I would like one of those, please," I said, emphatically. "I'm telling you, it doesn't exist, " he insisted, taking a big gulp of his lithium milk shake. . "So what you're saying, then, is that this guy in this handsome cover shot is on an imaginary motorcycle? Or are you telling me that if I open a Ducati catalog, I won't find it?" "No, no, no," he sa id, he said, h e said. "No, it's no t an imaginary motorcycle, or no, I w ou ldn't find it or...wh at was the third no for?" "No , you won't find it in the Ducati catalog," ·he whimpered, now reduced to a quivering mass of subhuman ectoplasm devoid of hope. "That was the second no: ' " N o, y ou id io t, y ou 'w on ' t fi n d it here; you wo n't find it ha rdl y anywhere. There's only one p lace you can buy it, and if you th ink I'm going to tell you w h er e tha t is, yo u ' re nu ttier th an a spe rm bank: ' "H ow can th at be? How can a bike tha t you can't buy at your local dealership be winning races? Surely there are ru les against that?" "Hey, I' m no lawyer," he said, as if I' d mistaken h im for one. "You w ant on e of th ese bik es? Find yourself th e only guy who can sell one to you, or else find yourself a lawyer." So I pu t the 18 K back in my pocket, and h eaded off to v isi t Laszlo Torts, Es q ., chief instigator for the d istinguished Wall Street firm Benn, Dover, & Spreddom . "I 'd like you to read this rulebook and look over these documents and tell me why I can't buy that motorcycle in my local sh op," I sa id , po inting to the stri king Cy cle N e. s cover and w shouting o ver th e din of ambulance scanners. "I' m sorry, I can' t h ear you," Torts said . "Let me tum down the EMS scanners. Th a t's better . Now, let m e look. Hmmmm. It's all pretty obvious. That'll be $5000:' "For wha t?" I asked , incredulous. "It'll be $4000 to have one of these things FedExed in from Italy and another grand to bribe the guy at DMV to license it," Tor ts sa id as he refilled his oildri seat cushion. "So w h at yo u're telling me is that this bike doesn't exist in the U.S?" I asked. "I d id not say that, but, as a comp lete entity in mass numbers, yes. I mean, no. Let me explain in terms that you should be able to understand without se ve n years of college and a transl ator. Yes, this b ike d oes not exi s t, entirely, in quantities of 50 or more - as per th e rules - ass em b le d, a n d though the unassembled machines in question ma y, under the letter of the law, well be the sum of their various parts at some undetermined point in the future, and therefore perfectly legal for racin g under the current guid elines, ass uming, of course, that the parts do , in fact. exist and are not invalidated by pre-existing parameters, such as stroke, cy linder head, frame, etc ., the legality of their existence can only be determined w hen, an d if, they, or the part kits in question, in sufficient numbers, are presented in good faith in a completed ph ysical form to the unscrupulous in spec tion of unbiased nondenominational interlopers, or, fa iling that, they are s ub ject to w hat is legally known as 'pragmatic sanction: " #\tVhich is...?" "We call it the " To u gh Doo-doo Statute:' Make the rules fit th e game after it's already started:' "Wonderful." "That would depend on which side you were on," Torts said, his eyes suddenly aglow at the report of a 32-car chain reaction rear-ender on Lexington Avenue that was caused when an inexperienced New York City bus driver mistakenly stopped to pick up a fare. "I can hear whiplash a mile away," he yelled as he grabbed a stack of busi- . ness cards and ran for the door. "Somebody took it hard in the rear." "I know," I answered. "Believe me, I know." C'( :::::...:':-'.,: IN·.THE ·. WI N D· ~ . ,:': :. . >. ' · :.. AUTOG RAPH SIG NING: At Dublin Kawasaki in Dublin, California, on June 3 from 7:00-8:00 p.m. Team Kawasaki's Mike Kiedrowski, Mike LaRocco and Robbie Re yn a r d are scheduled to appear. For more information, call 510/829-4467. AUTOGRAPH SIGNIN G: At Red Carpet Kawasaki in Las Vegas , Nevada, on June 10 from 6:15-7:15 p .m. Team Kawasaki's Mike Kiedrowski, Mike LaRocco and Robbie Reynard are scheduled to appear. For more information, call 702/451-1121. AUTOGRAPH SIG NING : At Hayward Honda /Suzuki/Sea-Doo in Hayward, California, June 3 from 6:00 p .m. until closing. Team Honda's Jeremy McGrath, Jeff Stanton, Steve Lamson and Doug Henry a re sch ed ul e d to appear. For mo re information, call 510/886-0644. .AUT O G RA PH SIG N ING: At Grand Prix Kawasaki in Santa Clara, California, on June 3 from 5:00-7:00 p.m. Team SplitFire/Hot Wheels/Kawasaki riders Ryan Hughes, James Dobb and Pedro Gonzalez are scheduled to appear. For more information , call 408/246-7323. RETI RED: Bruce Sanford, owner of San Diego's Clairemont Cycle Supply. Sanford, father of off-road racer Darren Sanford, ha s been in the indus try for 22 years . He plans to sell his business, and also to help out at the Tulsa, Oklahoma ISDE this year. CORRECfION : Section #2 at the recent El Tria l de Espan a was sp on sored by Protect All - not Pow er All as we reported in our coverage of the event. 25 YEAR G ... SA O June 3, 1969 Nazareth Mile. Fred Nix wo n the race, follow ed b y G a ry Ni xon a n d Gene Romero ... A one -year subscription to Cycle News cost $7.95... GP... Jim "The An imal" Fishback won the Handicap m ain at San Bernardino Speedway, only hours befo re he go t on a plane to compete in an ISDT qualifier... Ray T eth erton w on the l oocc Junior class a t Carlsbad MX... Ron Lechien won three mini classes at Barona Oaks MX... A Ha rley-Davids on XR750, comple te with a Mert Law ill engine and Rob Muzzy exhaust pipes w as advertised in the classifieds for $6000... _ .. _ • } 4c.i h e s ta r t of t h e ~; . . . "I Sid ew ind ers and .•. Sand Blaste rs Dual :~'Vlo;'i '·' , Europ ean Scrambles was i'J ." pictured on the cover, as .. """ -..,; was Larry Palmgren, winner of th e Reading H alf Mile. Lar ry an d h is bro th er, Chuck Palmgren, made it a Palmgren family 1-2 sweep. Gary Nixon finish ed th ird... D eb b ie Jac k li ne w on the lOOcc Expert class at the Marysville IT. Miss Debbie competed in the men's cla ss beca use there were no other w omen on hand ... Ed Youngblood ..pen n e d th e articl e covering the . T 15YEARS AG O... M 30, 1979 ay .? ,@ I ~I he opening round of f the 500cc N a t ion al Championship Series saw Danny LaPorte edge out Rex Staten for the overall win. Kent Howerton sn app ed the 15-moto w in streak previously held by Bob Hannah in the 250cc class.. Neil Hudson edged Hakan Carlqvist and Gennady Mo i· seev for the win at the Belgian 250cc MX T MOVED: Mik e Kidd Promotions , Inc., to 4200 N. Ma in Str eet, Su ite 220, Ft. 5YEARS AGO... May 24,1989 OU g Chandler was pictured on the cover, having won the Ascot H alf Mile aboa rd his Hank Scott-tuned D ,: .Co1!tinued frompag .' e3. Worth, TX 76106, 817/626-7297 (phone), 817/626-7299 (fax). HIRED: Craig Canoy by Endura. The pro motocrosser will provide racer support at selected amateur and professional events . For more in form a tion call 800/621-6070. O PENED: Desert Onl y Yamaha in Henderson, Nevada. Des ert Only Travel's Eric Peronnard and Ca rol Nordstrom have joined for ces with former ATK guru Mike Dougherty to open the shop. For information call 702/565-5254. l:N :~ :JJi::Jj Honda RS750. Ricky G ra.:. h am was second, Rodney Farris was third... Kevin Hines topped th e Cherry Pit Enduro aboard his factory KTM ... Chri s Carr and Bo b Hannah s p li t wins a t the Bo is e TT W eekend.. . Tyson and Tallon Vohland finished 1-2, respectively, at the Pasadena UItracross. Jeremy McGrath w as third .. . Steve Morehead aced th e Expert class at the Springfield H alf M ile sea so n opener. Larry Pegram w on the Jun ior class, while the Pro-Am wi n went to St eve Beattie... Ji m O 'Neal topped To ny Al essi in the 500cc N ovice class at Edwards Air Force Base MX... l:N . ' -'

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