Cycle News - Archive Issues - 1990's

' CHICAN ERY~ . ....By.Henny RayA~rams have seen the future - and it is in a parking lot in Pomona. Well, I didn't actually see the parkin g lot. I was about 9000 miles awa y in Malaysia, sweating in places that can't be shown in airplane movies and trying o drink enough water to keep my bowls from perforating. It was so hot that if ou stood still for more tha n five mintes the soles of your shoes would me lt, d dogs blew up from over-exertion. On Saturday, while I was watching ractice for the Malaysian GP, I suddeny realized I had become planted . xtracting my guidebook, I tu rn ed to e chapter marked "Stuck in Malaysia." t read: If you find yourself suddenly obile, there is no need to panic. The irst thing you should do is yell, 'Hey, ' m stuck: then wait for one of the umpsuited sneaker-scraping civil serants to come along and liberate you." y scraper showed up within a minute earing a look of distress normally seen n coroners and Buffalo Bills' quarter: acks in the fourth quarter of Super wls . Pointing to my size 14 Nikes he id, "I'm afraid I'll have to send for a now shovel." I said, "Will this take ong?" and he answered, " Pr obably , ince we're nearly on the equator and I on 't know w h a t snow is or why I ould need to shovel it." Eventually I as freed with the help of a backhoe, ut it wasn't so bad . While I was waitg, I sa w two Poodles and a Shih-Tzu xp lode. Getting back to the matter at and .. .Thanks to the m iracle of long istance and the phone companies' willngness to charge usurious rates that food out of the mouths of the chilren I've never had, I was able to keep breast of the events unfolding in omena, as well as relay that informaion to the burgeoning and anxious merican grand prix contingent. (Kenny Roberts, when told there was an AMA National in a parkin g lot, sc ra tche d th re e la yers of skin off hi s sturdy chin while thinking, "Hrnmmm, I wonder if the FIM wo uld homologa te the Mod esto Bait 'n Bullet Galleria.") Like m e, th e res t of th e Americans we re amused that brid ges were simultaneously being moved and burn ed , and they had thoughtful, probing questions. They wan te d to know who the d issid en ts were and wh ich Mc Do nald's they'd be working at next year. They wanted to know why the Ka wasa kis could clea r th e tr iple ju mps over th e shopping cart collector and the Hondas couldn't. They wanted to know how the Harleys were doing, but I told them that I had sworn never to mention th em again, unless they meant the 883' s, in which case I told them no cheaters had yet been caught, but only because the race hadn't been run. They wanted to know if there was a videotape of the riders' meeting, where Michael Barnes, paraphrasing the great American orator Patrick Henry, said, "1 know' not what course others ma y take, but as for me, give me libe rty and give me my entry fee back," then wen t out in the 250 GP race and did a divine im it a ti on of a s treet hocke y puck. They wa nted to know how many more non-En glish speaking riders Rob Muzzy would use to file protests in case the race wasn't cancelled. They wanted to know if it was true that the Ducatis w ere fitted with three-speed automatics and that they hadn't gotten out of " L" And they wan ted to know how it came to pass that the pinnacle of American roadbed racing could end up in a parking lot in Pomona, a_city established in 1875 and named, not surprisingly, for Pomona, the Roman goddess of fruit. The goddess Pomona would have been proud of what transpired in her namesake parking lot. She would have looked out over the tw isting 13-turn course and said , " A re nuts a fruit ? Beca u se a nyb ody t hat r aces o n this course is nuts. So, technically, I' d be th e ir godd ess. An d if they' re fruits, th en, of course, that's no' problem. I know bananas are fruit , bu t nu ts are sort of a gra y area. I never know ho w to handle nuts. Nuts are a very sensitive area . I should know, reall y, after all, I am the goddess of fruit. " But sh e would be w ro ng about the rid ers being nuts or fru its or banana s, the goddess Pomona would . She wou ld be wrong because th e fu tu re of AMA road racing is in pa rking lots and I'll tell you why, as if you didn't know alread y. Give o r take a dozen, th e r e are ap proximately a d illion parking lots in th is country. Every time I go to work I pass abo ut a dozen parking lots and I th ink to m yself, "Wo uld n ' t that be a great place for a grand pr ix?" (Actually, I take th e subway to work and all we pass are large colonies of Collie-sized rats .) There w ou ld be corners that would take their place in the pantheon of racing greatness: La Source Hairpin at Spa, the Sp oon Cu rv e a t Suzuka, th e Parabolica at Monza, the Express Lane at Ralph 's. Let's look a t the advan tages. Ho w many times during a race weekend is the low liest flun kie on the team dispatched to K-Mart for a foam coo ler, bananas, beer, duct tape, or mousse? Tha t's righ t, a dillion. So if alI of the races were held in parking lots, the flunkies cou ld put the ir time to better use - like getting dates for the team manager. So what I propose is that the races be s pontaneo us , u na n no u nced, s hifty. Secretly, the roa d-rashers would gather on the outskirts of Dead end, USA. Then, as noon approached, the convoy would s neak into the biggest parking lot, unload the bikes, and start frying the ir clu tches. The first couple of laps would be run be hi nd a pace s h op ping cart w hich would decide the course layo u t as it went along. Sort of like Cha rlotte. Then, once everyone knew that the finish line was at the drive-through teller, just past the mulch pile but before the Fotomat, the call would go out that wou ld send chills down every racer's spine: "Attention KMart Shoppers." As for the crowd, that 's the easy part. A family of four - mom, her second husband, and his two d ysfunctional kids from his first marriage to the crossing guard who he found out was a stripper when she got busted for assaulting the mayor when he refused to pay her since she wouldn't pretend she was a giraffe come out of the J.e. Penney's after an exhausting afternoon of swapping price tags, only to have to dodge Steve Crevier as he flicks it through the chicane created by their Grand Pinto wagon and the recycling bin next to it. Cool, huh? After watching for a few laps, they're hooked. You set up membership booths near the mobile-horne surgical station, and give new members a complimentary root canal. Before you know it, the parking lots are begging to be disturbed. How do you charge admission? You don't'> you ch arge an exit fee . Make them pay to leave, which, I believe, was the thinking behind putting the comain d uci n g one-hour Unlimit ed Team Challenge first on Sunday' s se ven or eight or nine-race schedule, depending on whether the SO's are running. Whenever a family wants to flee, yo u take their cash , bring out the pace shopping cart, have the four bikes that are still running line up single-file behind it, and let the heathens escape . A "cap tive audience" I believe it's called. Guerrilla Nationals: no ad vertis ing, no overhead, no need to homologate the parking lot. It's the futu re. Remember, you read it here first. a OPEN HOUSE: At Hal's Harley-Davidson in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on April 30. A Buell Thunderbolt, Ha l's Pro Stock drag bike, and Andy Fe nwick's 883 Sportster will be on display. For more information calI 414/782-D9SS. Prizes will be raffled, and a dona tion . made to the Santa Fe Christian School Scholarship Fund, in memory of Briehan. The original date was rained out. For more information calI 619/484-1441. STOLEN: David Stanton's 1994 Yamaha YZ250, from his Rancho Cucamonga, California, home, Ap ril 13. Stanton's YZ was d ressed in Team Noleen colors. The s tolen machine's frame number is #JWA4JXW04R A009690. If you ha ve an y informati on, call 909/980-5854. A small cash reward is being offered. American Suzuki Mot or Corp/s Kerry Graeber and his wife Tammy on March 26 in Brea, California. RESCHEDULED : The Craig Briehan Memorial Motocross, to March 19 at Southern California's Carlsbad Raceway. 25 YEARS AGO." lIay 6,1969 potpourri of riders shared the spotlight on the cover, the most recognizable being, who else but, Evel Kni evel, airborne aboard his big Arnerican Eag le. Kneivel was making is first appearance since crashing at Ceasar's Palace a year before, an d made a number of successful jumps d uri ng the Cycle Worl d, Tridents Car Club and Dune Buggy Show a t the L.A . Sports Arena. Amongst the mac hines on display at the show were a 125cc Maico roadracer, a l00cc Oymer dirt bike and a 230cc Italj et. Don Eml er topped the l00cc Sportsman class aboard a Hodaka at Saddleback Park. Do n Emde was the fastest 100cc class racer at Willow A CO RRECTI O N: NMA stands for National Motosport Association and not for National Minicycle Association as we reported last week. Springs. Sammy Ta nner scored his 372nd win in the Expert main event at Ascot Park, while D a vi d Aldana became the first amateu r racer to ever win the three-lap trophy dash. Aldana topped Tim Harris, Dan Haaby a nd Don Castro, and was pictured with his face stu ck to the trophy girl's ... 15Y EARSAGO... May 2,1979 ack Johns on graced the cover, as he teamed with Larry Roeseler to win the Las Vegas 400 aboard a factory Husqvar na 3900R. Team Yamaha's defending 125cc National Champion Brae Gl over swept both 125cc motos at the Omaha Motorsport Pa rk Na tional MX, while his teammate Bob Hannah J BORN: Ta nner Christ ian Graeber, to d id the sa m e in the 250cc d ivi sion. Reign in g champ Hannah wore plastic Scott boots, JT Racing apparel and rod e • on Pirelli tires . Mike Guerra fin ished fifth in the 250cc Nationa l... Randy Goss to pped Ted Boody, Corky Keener, Ste ve Morehead and Eddie Lawson in the Expert main at Ascot Park... Johnny O'Mara, Donnie Hansen and Mike Bell topped the 125, 251r and 500cc Pro classes at Indian Dunes MX. Paul Thede was eighth in the 12Scc class... M ike Healey d ominated the World Mini Grand Prix aboard an R&D Suzuki... D o ug Chandler topped Aaron Hill and Chris Carr in the 80cc Expert class at Lodi...One dollar bo ught yo u a membership in the Springer Fan Club... AUTO G RAPH SIG NING: At Motorcycle Performance Center in Granite Bay, California, on April 29 from 4:00 p .m . to 6:00 p .m . KTM's Cliff Palmer and Greg Zitterkopf are scheduled to ap pear. a 5YEARSAGO A 26,1989_ pril a r ryin g the number-three plate, Wayne Rainey topped the field at a crash-marred U.S. GP. Bubba Sh obert sustained serio us head injuries in a post-race crash with Kevin Magee... Ron Lechein and Jeff Ward split wins at th e Pontiac SX doubleheader. Roo kie Da mon Brads ha w dominated the 125cc class... Larry Roesele r and Kenny Parry teamed up to w in the Las Vegas 300 aboard a Kawasaki KX5OO... Scott Summers topped ther Moonshine National Hare Scrambles... Unknown Trampas ,....·Park er won his first-ever 125cc Grand Prix and shocked the world ... Damon Huffman bested Craig Decker in the 80cc Expert class at Las Vegas MX Park. .. Scott Russell topped four WERA sprint classes at Roeb ling Road Raceway... a C . -"...' ' 0.. -< 67

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