VOLUME 57 ISSUE 22 JUNE 2, 2020 P119
chat, or some other face-plant-
ing social media with dubious
security and ethics.
This will leave them wide open
to spying by rival teams' elec-
tronics boffins. No more secrets.
Or worse still, by Russian hack-
ers, fiddling maliciously with their
suspension settings just for the
fun of it. Or Chinese agents, im-
planting spyware for who knows
what sinister reasons.
Umbrella girls? No thanks.
That's asking for trouble. They'd
have to stand so far away that
they might get mixed up with the
wrong rider. And they'd need to
be weightlifters, to manage such
big umbrellas!
In any case, the grid will have
to be spaced right out. Maybe
even drop the mass starts. Send
the riders off one at a time, to
race against the clock. Could
that work? Oh, yes. That's how
they do it on the Isle of Man.
Then there's all that touchy-
feely on the handlebars. Yes,
they wear gloves, but the gloves
breathe. Safest to stop every five
laps to sanitize. While (of course)
singing the Happy Birthday
song, twice, to get the timing
right. The Chief Steward could
supervise; Dorna's PR staff
could harmonize.
You can forget the winning
team hugs. They will however be
permitted to smile and nod. At a
distance.
At least riders who profession-
ally need to hate one another's
guts needn't feel obliged by
the saccharin demands of their
PR staff to pretend otherwise.
Staring angrily from a distance
will be the new norm. (Rossi and
Marquez, among others, have
already practiced for this.)
Crashes will be a particular
problem. Marshalls wearing
hazmat suits? Medics likewise—
with scanning for virus symptoms
taking precedence over trauma
treatment? Doesn't bear thinking
about, even in jest.
Nor will it be much fun in the
crowd, everyone staring suspi-
ciously at one another, and mov-
ing away to keep the distance
up. And that bloke coughing
over there? Throw things at him;
drive him away.
That is if spectators are even
allowed. The U.S. prototype at
Elkhart Lake banned the fans.
It doesn't look as though any
lack of shouting, waving and au-
tograph signing had any adverse
effect on defending champion
Cameron Beaubier, who assidu-
ously complied with the social-
distancing rules to win both
races by miles.
But there is another bright
side for spectators, which goes
with the fact that in many coun-
tries the wearing of face masks
in public is compulsory, and in
others is actively encouraged.
Imagine the merchandising
opportunities. Face masks, with
the riders' actual faces on them.
Want to look like Rossi? Or may-
be Dovi, or Crutchlow? No need
to stop short at just a coded and
logo-ed T-shirt and hat. You can
go head to foot and become
almost indistinguishable.
As long as you're wearing a
mask, make the most of it.
Maybe it won't be that bad,
come to think of it. Better than
having to pretend to be interest-
ed in the riders playing computer
games. CN
"UMBRELLA
GIRLS? NO
THANKS. THAT'S
ASKING FOR
TROUBLE.
THEY'D HAVE
TO STAND SO
FAR AWAY THAT
THEY MIGHT
GET MIXED
UP WITH THE
WRONG RIDER."
